I’m bad with expressing my feelings and I stuff them away, which makes me then hurt myself in numerous ways. So in an attempt to break that shitty pattern of self-harm, I want to attempt to say how I feel.
I feel angry at the words that Louis says to me. They are deliberately hurtful, like when he says in a text that I have deaf ears, a cold heart, and that he made a mistake “in expecting you to behave like you had the practicing principals (sic) of a Christian Woman.” But I told him off and said that his negative words would not be tolerated. But the anger still lingers with me.
I feel not just anger, but hurt. In fact, I hate to say it but I cried. Why on Earth would he want to say these mean things to me? What kind of person does that to another person? I know the answer; an angry, hurting, selfish, narcissistic, manipulative person does that to another person whom they supposedly love or loved for over 6 years, or 5 and a half happy years as he has now diminished our relationship to and said so in a text.
And I am angry that he says, “I would do that differently if ever given the chance again.” He WAS given a second chance, when I left for two days and then came back to him and said that he needed to change. But that wasn’t reason enough for him to change then, so he definitely won’t try to change for me now, and even if he did, I can’t trust him to not hurt me and he can’t trust me to not hurt him so it’s pointless.
I should block his phone # but I haven’t. Do I really think I can be friends with a narcissist? I have hopes, but I am also bad at setting boundaries, which is why I put up with that for 6 long, wasted years. Not all wasted. Not all bad, but the end was a travesty of me being a doormat for someone who couldn’t see that they were walking all over a rug woven of pure silken gold strands and that if they had bothered to pick up the rug, dust it off, and shake it out in the sunlight, they would have discovered that it was really just a flattened, fallen angel that they had been trampling on the whole time.
And when I am scared, angry, or depressed, I engage in risky and self-harmful behavior, which is why I reactivated my adultfriendfinder account and started talking to random men online, just like I did when my marriage was falling apart. And I am scared to post this, because the truth will be hurtful for him to hear, and I fear his reaction. But fear is limiting me.
I pulled my eyebrow hairs out after I read and reread Louis’ hurtful words, which is my stupid Trichotillomania response to internalized hurt. I internalized that anger and sadness and turned it against myself rather than directing it back at the person who had hurt me. I cower in the face of negativity because I think I deserve it. I have been trained to believe that I deserve it.
And I never give it back, because not only do I hate negativity in others, but I fear that same negativity in myself. I want only to love others, not treat them like I have been treated. A LONG history of abuse has been heaped upon me, and that, plus my inability to reject it, has trained me too well in how to hurt myself, how to feel less than, how to accept abuse like a sponge.
I have become one of those pathetic girls with low self-esteem, craving a kind word from anyone, but especially from men. I need help with this and I hope that a counselor can help, but maybe not. Maybe drugs can help, but maybe not.
The last counselor who, after she learned that my boyfriend was a narcissist and had already told me that my mother, also a narcissist, would never change, agreed to see both of us in a laughable couples counseling session that didn’t even begin to change a thing. Not only that, but she also tried to continue to solicit money from me by offering to counsel me on the phone, even after I made the right decision to leave the relationship and move away rather than struggle to repair something that could not be fixed. She didn’t help me.
And the first counselor didn’t help me, but in fact hurt me more by telling me that after I disclosed my date rape to her that I probably would have had sex with him anyway, which continued to hurt my ability to say “No” and stand up for myself because it diminished my saying “No” in that one, very important instance. I was a virgin. On my period with a maxi pad in my underwear. Forced into a boy’s bathroom stall with the lights off before classes started at high school. For the love of God and all that is holy, THAT WAS STILL RAPE. Fortunately, I now know that she was an idiot.
I am SO vulnerable and fragile right now and I have to remember that. I have to remember to treat myself with the same loving care that the rug that was an angel should have been treated with. Fragile. Handle with care. I have to remember my worth. My shiny, glowing, radiant worth. I forget, and then it gets tarnished from my neglect.
I am tarnished. I have let myself slide into poor habits, poor health, and the poorhouse. But, I also know that I am a Di. Mond. Ain. Gel. Brush this fucking dirt off me and watch me blind you when the sun strikes me. Filth directed at me will be rejected.
God, grant this fallen angel a fifth chance to get things right. Let me shine with your inner Glory. Let me walk the bright and glorious path to my destiny in Your humble service. Let me love those who need it, especially myself. Let me heal those who need it, especially myself. Let me be armored in titanium and filled with the bravery, faith, and skills to defend myself against harm. Let me fight the battles that frighten me the most and that give You the most Glory.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth. – Matthew 5:5
For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. – Deuteronomy 20:4